


A new season has started in my burned-out heart

by squishychan



Series: one shots/drabbles [3]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: 3+1 Things, Abortion, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscarriage, Trans Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups, Trans Male Character, Unplanned Pregnancy, this is really a happy fic i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-11 07:04:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17442200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squishychan/pseuds/squishychan
Summary: 이제 함께 편한 생각만 해더 이상의 걱정은 없게Or, three times Seungcheol almost had a baby and the one time that he did.





	A new season has started in my burned-out heart

**Author's Note:**

> i'm hella nervous to post this skskkkskskskksk  
> idk i'm just scared of people's reactions i guess? 
> 
> oh, and cheol is trans so if that's not your thing please just click away 
> 
> title & story summary is from svt's "healing"

**i. 여름**

 

He doesn't want to look, hell, he _can't_ look, his stomach flip-flopping as he listens to the steady drip of their leaky faucet, something Jeonghan said he would take care of long ago. The rhythmic pitter-patter of water hitting against cool porcelain being the only sound to ring out in the cramped murkiness, Seungcheol cradling his head in his hands as he forces his chest to rise and fall. Squeezing his shut eyes tighter as the minutes painstakingly tick by, his internal counting missing a number here and there, though it doesn't really matter. _Nothing matters anymore._

_Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe-_

 

"Cheol," And it's Jisoo's voice who says it, the younger softly rapping his knuckles against the door, "Can I come in?" The older's heart clenching when he picks up on the worry clinging to the American's tone.

 

"Yeah," Seungcheol murmurs, "Yeah, of course," his words muffled, not bothering in picking himself off the tiled flooring as Jisoo peeks his head around the corner, catlike eyes widening as he spots the older's curled up form, the slight tremble of Seungcheol's shoulders hard to miss.

 

_Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, the simple mantra feeling as though it was his last link to sanity._

 

"How long?" Jisoo asks softly, glancing warily at the plastic test resting harmlessly on the sink countertop, crinkled instructions laying close by.

 

"A minute maybe? Haven't checked in a while," He answers, blinking as he lifts his head up, the imprint of his sweater sleeve stuck on his cheek.

 

_Breathe in, breathe out._

 

"It's going to be okay," But even the ever so optimistic boy feels as though he can't guarantee this.

 

Seungcheol's voice quavers, "I'm late, _three_ weeks late," His lower lip quivering, "There's nothing about this that is okay."

 

"That doesn't mean that we can't make it okay."

 

He shakes his head firmly, "No, you don't understand," His fingernails digging into his palms, "I can't have a baby, I just can't!" The muted buzzing of his phone making his heart drop to the pit of his stomach, neither of them moving as the alarm continues to sound.

 

_Breathe in, breathe out._

 

"Do you want me too look?" Jisoo suggests in a hushed whisper, to which Seungcheol meekly nods, his heart now hammering away in his chest as the younger turns the timer off, the suspense having his stomach rolling. 

 

_Breathe in, breathe out, breathe-_

 

"It's negative," Seungcheol hears Jisoo's voice cut through his worries.

 

"Wha-what?" He stammers, because it just doesn't make sense, all his logic pointed to pregnancy and pregnancy only.

 

"Negative," Jisoo repeats, though this time his voice is more confident, "You're not pregnant Cheol," The test displaying no blue plus sign of doom. And boy  does it make Seungcheol's mind swim, Jisoo tossing the cheap plastic in the trash after the older looks away.

 

"B-But I haven't had my cycle in nearly a month," Trying desperately to rationalize more so with himself rather than his boyfriend per say, "I don't understand.

 

"I'm sorry Cheol," Jisoo says, "I don't know what to say other than that you're not pregnant," Offering a hand to Seungcheol, who takes it with a wry grimace of a smile, "Now let's go bug Hannie until he fixes the sink."

 

**ii. 가을**

 

As soon as Seungcheol fully regains consciousness, he soon becomes aware of the dull ache lingering in his lower belly, of the steady beeping of the numerous hospital machines whirring noisily in the green and beige checkered room he's in, mouth dry and uncomfortable.

 

"Hey, baby," Jeonghan whispers, and Seungcheol blinks a couple times before the younger male's form is clean of fuzz, wanting to ask what in the hell's going on but all that comes out is a hoarse whimper of a cry. Jeonghan quick to unscrew and hand the older the water bottle he'd been holding, Seungcheol greedily gulping down half of it before he splutters, eyes watering as he coughs.

 

"T-Thank you," He rasps, clearing his throat as he struggles to speak, "Wh-What happened?" Wincing as his movements cause the IV catheter in his hand to be jostled slightly, hissing as another sharp throb blossoms across his abdomen, not at all noticing the way Jeonghan's face falls.

 

"Miscarriage," Jeonghan's bleached bangs hanging limply in his eyes, "You suffered a miscarriage." To which Seungcheol scoffs, obviously not believing a word his boyfriend says, crossing his arms over his chest before he feels the rather noticeable curve caused by his lack of a binder.

 

"That's not funny Jeonghan," Pausing to take another sip of his water, "Now what really happened?" But Jeonghan's annoying laughter never comes, a deadly hush washing over the room as the younger boy fidgets uneasily, Seungcheol doing a double take when he sees the remnants of tear tracks staining Jeonghan's pale cheeks.

 

"I'm telling the truth Cheolie," He says, "Y-You suffered a first trimester miscarriage," Voice shaking, Jeonghan's gaze downcast as he cracks his knuckles out of nervousness.

 

"But I wasn't pregnant," Seungcheol murmurs more so to himself rather than to Jeonghan, "There's no way I could've had a miscarriage if I was never pregnant." Panic seeping into his normally calm tone, his large doe eyes looking so fucking sad that it actually hurts Jeonghan to stare into them for too long.

 

"I know this is a lot to take in, but I'm going to need you to calm down." Jeonghan reaching over to grasp his boyfriend's hand, "Can you do that for me baby?" And Seungcheol nods dumbly, his very world as he thought he knew it crashing down around him, and he just vaguely registers Jeonghan alerting the nurses, the younger never once letting go of his hand, even as he begins to struggle, everything simply becoming too much for him to bear. The pain in his heart making his head spin as he cries out, closing his eyes in hopes that this is all nothing more than a nightmare, a horrible, horrible nightmare.

 

But it's not—it's real life.

 

**iii. 겨울**

 

Should he feel bad for what he's about to do? More so is this one hundred percent, without a doubt, the right choice for them? Could they even handle a newborn?

 

But Seungcheol doesn't have a solid answer to those questions, much less the thousand others clouding his brain, the doors to the clinic chiming childishly as he forces himself to step inside, heart beating so loudly he swears everyone else in the waiting room can hear it too.

 

Seungcheol plastering on the nicest smile he can possibly muster as he grabs the clipboard he's handed, knees almost buckling as he wobbles over to an empty chair, the various posters and pamphlets strewn about making his head spin, the severity of the situation at hand just now starting to set in.

 

_There's no other option, we all know that._

 

His fingers trembling as he uncaps the red ballpoint pen he'd been given by the receptionist, the color rubbing him the wrong way, reminding him of those two lines he'd been met with just a mere two weeks ago.

 

_But that doesn't mean that we still can't try._

 

No, this _has_ happen, they simply can't afford a child with their current lifestyle. It's for the best, _really_.

 

_But are you happy, Seungcheol? Are you happy?_

He presses the nib to the paper.

 

**iv. **봄****

 

"Oh, oh my god," Seungcheol's face flushed a rosy red, his dark bangs plastered loosely to his forehead thanks to a thin layer of sweat, struggling to catch his breath as he shifts the squirming bundle in his arms.

 

Simply too lost in sleepy, catlike brown eyes, giggling softly as he gingerly smoothes back the few wisps of curling black hair their little boy has, thumb stroking the babe's pink tinted skin, cooing at the pudgy fingers that wrap instinctively around his own. Seungcheol honestly at a loss for words, because what words could possibly describe the scene in front of him? Jisoo curled up on one side of the bed while Jeonghan claimed the other, the new parents all staring at their newborn son with baited breath, atmosphere beautifully serene.

 

"He's perfect Cheol, absolutely _perfect._ "

**Author's Note:**

> i guess you could technically pair this fic and my junhoon fic "Of what ifs and maybes" together? y'know, since they're both vent pieces of mine  
> hope this fic wasn’t too terribly crappy ;-;


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